Guilt Trip (by Finneas)

Tuesday May 13 2008

Connie is bribing M to ride me while she is gone by offering to bring her many dark chocolate treaties from Trader Joe's. M bribes me while out riding with carrot treaties. Only today she lost my carrots.

We did the Three-Cheese-Dip-Layer Ride. The first Cheese Layer is going miles up the Training wash, and I trotted all the way up it, because I am such a tough strong horse, and I got to eat some grass up on top as always. Then M said "OK, Finneas, when we finish the second Cheese Layer, at the bottom of Spring Ranch Road wash at the water tanks, I'll give you your carrots!" OK, so, I cruised miles down to the end of this cheese layer, bold and brave, and we got to the water tanks and stopped, and I waited, and she zipped open the half-broken zipper of my saddle bag - I heard the zipper and I know what that means - but instead of the sound of a breaking carrot, what did I hear?

"Uh oh."

I didn't like the sound of that. M rummaged around in the saddle pack behind her, then she dropped my reins and turned around in the saddle and scrambled in it with both hands, and, again... "Uh oh."

I KNEW what that meant, and I stood there, stoically, (handsomely,) while the cruel reality of what she'd done sunk into her. She'd lost my carrots out of the broken-zippered pack, and I had been SUCH a good boy, and she had NOTHING to reward me with.

I didn't let M forget it, all the way home. I kept walking slowly toward the third Cheese Layer, Blond Cow wash, turning my head first one way, then the other as I walked along, glancing back at her, to let her know I was still being a VERY GOOD BOY and I was still looking for my carrots. I could tell it just killed her. And I just kept looking back at her.

When we got to Blond Cow wash, I continued to perform brilliantly, trotting and cantering more miles up it, even though I was getting tired and running on empty with no carrots in my gas tank, making M feel more and more guilty with every bold stride I took, that she lost my carrots. She kept apologizing, and I kept letting her.

M felt so terrible that she let me eat grass from the Tevis Hill all the way down toward home. I was really milking it, not even grabbing grass to go but parking myself and eating it until I felt like moving on to the next batch, and she didn't even make me move on. If she tried, I just looked back at her, reminding her that she never handed me a carrot, and she let me be.

I finally made my way out of the Little Tevis Canyon, and then we get to The Gate. Now, The Gate is where I usually have temper tantrums because I don't like being asked to open and close The Gate (I KNOW how, I just don't WANT to do it unless it's my idea, and it's usually not). M had gotten off me to open and close it when we went out, and here she was going to get off me to let us back in. Well, I wanted to keep her feeling so guilty, before she could get off I moved right into position to open the gate without her asking me, and she opened it, and we walked through, and without being asked, I moved into position to close it. M was just overwhelmed, I tell you, and what I did next REALLY blew her away. I just stood there. Usually I blast off to get back to the house and the other horses (I sometimes have Standing Still issues) and my Happy Meal and carrots, but I just continued to stand there. And, what could she do but pet me and hug me and admire me and promise me many carrots when we got back, and I still just kept standing there looking great and being marvelous, and she had to keep petting me and hugging me and admiring me! (I mean, who wouldn't?)

Back at the house, I milked her out of 2 carrots BEFORE my Happy Meal, (can I give a Look, or what!?), 1 carrot DURING my Happy Meal, and 3 AFTER.

Then when M turned me loose after my Happy Meal, none of the other horses were around, so I followed M. She turned to leave and I followed her, so she had to turn around and pet me some more. She kept trying to leave, and I kept following her. And she had to keep hugging me. And guess what - I stood at the fence, giving her such a Look, I made her give me one more carrot before she finally did leave! And then, after she went in the house, I kept standing at the fence, looking at the house, and she had to come out AGAIN and give me one more carrot!

And, THEN I got MORE carrots for being a model! Both M and Steph came out to fetch me to be a model in this beautiful big black robe fit for a (Drama) King (like me), and boy did I look gorgeous in it.

What a privilege and blessing for everybody around here that I'm such a good boy (when I want to be), and a great gorgeous Movie Star (-to-be) like my grandpa Cass Ole, and a great model (just plain killer-handsome), and a great actor (especially at acting stoic and laying on guilt trips) and a great kisser and a great huggee. A colossal package of talent rolled into one big black beautiful horse. Does a horse come any better?

I bet M doesn't lose my carrots any more on our rides.